JJay Fizzlebang

JJay is a Warlock who was enlisted into The Order of the Crab to repay his debt to Swigs. He has a mentally challenged Felguard called Vazeelvegen.

After Feignbar took over control of Artis Morticulo and cast out The Order of the Crab, JJay was forcibly made to leave Stormwind when Feignbar passed a new law banning beer and darts. JJay Fizzlebang was born, the bastard child of the famous Wilfred Fizzlebang. He was however shunned from the family after failing to become a recognised Warlock.

The Demon, the Warlock and the Wardrobe
Prior to joining the Order JJay Fizzlebang was a gnome living in Stormwind, where he intensively studied the arcane and the Void. After being shunned from his family he was intent on becomming a succesful summoner, and one day, after a long day of studying, JJay decided to go have a beer at The Slaughtered Lamb. In The Slaughtered Lamb JJay started talking to a young human warlock named Ursula Deline. Upon finding out that JJay was the son of Wilfred Fizzlebang, she took an interest in him, and they talked while the evening grew darker. Before she took her leave, Ursula encouraged JJay to dwelve deeper into the demoic arts. That night JJay Fizzlebang walked home and was feeling very confident after Ursula's encouragements. When JJay got home he was feeling a bit lonely, and decided to find an old dusty tome, a tome entitled Harnessing Shadows - a book with an extensive chapter on the summoning of succubi.

Not far from there, Swigs was polishing his armour after a rough day of training. As he looked out the window, he noticed that a house of the other side of the channel seemed to be sucking in all the light from the city - he heard a loud crack as from a whip, and instantly knew that something was amiss.

He quickly got into his armour and went into the house - suspecting there might be demons involved Swigs had brought the Lantern of the Dawn, an artifact bestowed upon him by Eranicus' brother Ashlam Valorfist for his efforts during the Scourge Wars. When Swigs realized that there for some reason were succubi in the house, he channeled the Lantern's powers, and closed the rift to the demon plane, saving Stormwind from a demon invasion and saving JJays life.

Unfortunately for JJay, the Stormwind Guard had heard the disturbance, and came charging into the house and found JJay locked inside a wardrobe bound in fuzzy handcuffs, gagged and wearing nothing but undergarments. When they saw the banned book Harnessing Shadows open on JJay's table, they instantly dragged him to the Stormwind Stockade for questioning.

JJay was sentenced to death by drowning by the mages of Stormwind, but Swigs took pity on him, and asked the mage counsil if he could be released under Swigs' supervision, to train as a member of the Order. The mages reluctantly agreed, as they would not deny the saviour of Stormwind his wish.

The Azshara Assignment
The Azshara Assignment is the story of how JJay Fizzlebang came to be in command of the Felguard Vazeelvegen, and it is also the story of how Swigs became afflicted with nightly epilepsy attacks.

It all started some time after The Grand Betrayal where the Order's Grand Scryer Michelle Brown was contacted by Archmage Xylem, residing in Azshara. Archmage Xylem, knowing what had happened during the Grand Betrayal, still placed great trust in the Order, who had helped him out on numerous occations in the past.

Archmage Xylem called upon the Order to help him out with a demon problem, and requested the Maleficar Trigs sent to aid him. However, Trigs was occupied, and the Order instead sent JJay Fizzlebang to deal with the pesky demons - Swigs was sent to keep an eye on him during the assignment.

Michelle Brown arranged for them to travel by portal to Azshara, and they had soon arrived in Archmage Xylem's grand tower, overlooking the vast peninsula of Azshara with its many wonders and dangers.

The Briefing
Archmage Xylem explained to JJay and Swigs that something was amiss in the Northern Azshara, where the Furbolg native to the region had all of a sudden turned into ravenous and ferocious monsters, pouncing on peaceful travellers and merchants who got too close to their territory. Archmage Xylem explained that he had recently looked into the matter, and that he had reason to believe that demons were involved. JJay and Swigs spent a few days in Xylem's tower, preparing for whatever might meet them, and reading up on battling powerful demons.

On the fourth day of arrival in Azshara JJay and Swigs were finally ready to depart, and Archmage Xylem's apprentice teleported them down from Xylem's tower, and they were on their way.

The Encounter with the Felwood Furious
Two days after departing JJay and Swigs were closing in on the Furbolg encampment, thus far having avoided patrols and sentries. Night was closing in on the two weary travellers, and they found a good secluded spot to make camp for the night. Swigs went out to find some fresh water, and left JJay to fortify the camp with whatever arcane wards he had knowledge of. Swigs, walking away thought to himself: "Then atleast rats and maggots won't bother us". A few minutes after departing Swigs heard an enormous explosion and hurried back to camp to find JJay confunded and covered it soot, with a roaring fire burning in the middle of the camp.

"I DID IT LORD SWIGS, I DID IT! MY IMMOLATE SPELL FINALLY WORKED!". JJay said with a 2ft broad smile on his soot-covered face.

"YOU COMPLETE SPASTIC! ARE YOU INSANE? WE ARE LITTERALLY THREE FEET FROM THE FURBOLG'S MAIN ENCAMPMENT, RUN, RUN BEFORE THEY GET HERE". Swigs roared at him.

The two of them heard laughing behind them. As they turned around they saw a small force of Furbolgs, clearly some sort of commando force, by the looks of them. They were about a foot taller than a dwarf, but twice as broad. They were wearing large necklaces fashioned out of skulls from orcs, humans and drakes, they were wearing armour clearly made out of the hides of blue dragons. The biggest of them, presumably their leader spoke in a deep voice, and it almost sounded as if he was barking when he spoke.

"You shall accompany us to our leader, the great and powerful Vazeelvegen. Resistance is futile against the force of the Felwood Furious."

Swigs bent down to grab his sword, but was knocked out by a furbolg rockflinger. JJay willingly followed.

The Great and Powerful Vazeelvegen
After walking for about 2 minutes they reached the border of the main furbolg encampment. In the dead middle of the camp was errected a large black tent with demonic runes all over it. The furbolgs carried JJay and Swigs into the tent and threw them onto the ground, the instantly left the tent to stand guard outside.

A large shadow was standing with its back turned in the other side of the tent. He was about as tall as a night elf, but it's girth was much larger. JJay was petrified and tried to awake Swigs, but nothing helped.

A voice that made the air chill and sounded unimaginably evil said: "Well well, what have we here? The 'great' and 'powerful' JJay Fizzlebang and his brawn, Swigs of the Order, a simpleton that enjoys nothing but swinging his sword in the name of justice and peace - BAH, peace is for weaklings and (this next word was said with utter despise) priests. Wouldn't you agree, my warlock friend?"

JJay as if waking up from a trance remembered something that Trigs told him a few weeks after joining the Order - warlocks are supposed to be evil and are allies of the demons.

"Oh, yes yes, peace, erh, hate it, hate it I agree!" JJay hastily said, hoping the demon would be convinced.

Not seeming to take any notice, Vazeelvegen said:

"I will give you and your friend a chance to live. Three games shall be played, two shall be decided by me, and one by you. If you win I shall serve you for eternity, if I win I get your souls. Deal?".

"And if I refuse to play your games, demon?" JJay responded with a vigilance that would have made Mekgineer Thermaplug give up on retaking Gnomeregan forever.

"You die." Vazeelvegen simply said. "Now, the rules, I decide the first and the third game, you decide the second, we shall make a bloodpact to compell us to regarding the rules of each game." Vazeelvegen summoned a crooked blade out of thin air and slit open his palm, then passed the blade to JJay, who did the same and they shook.

The First Game
JJay was surprised when Vazeelvegen told him that the first game was going to be a leg race around the camp. JJay thought to himself that being the junior Gnomeregan leg-race champion in the 3rd grade of Mekgineer school he would have a fair shot at beating Vazeelvegen.

The leader of the Felwood Furious arranged for the route to be marked up, and the two rivals were now ready to start the leg race. The route was according to Vazeelvegen about one tenth of a demonic mile, which JJay thought to be quite a sprint, so as soon as the countdown was done, he snuck a Swiftness Potion and sprinted off, leaving Vazeelvegen in his dust. After having run for about 10 minutes JJay was getting pretty tired and decided to take a quick rest before pressing on, afterall he thought, he had several more potions left in his backpack, so he may as well catch a quick breather. No sign of the demon, he pressed on, drinking several potions during the next hour. After running for approximately two and a half hours JJay saw the finishing line, as he felt the effects of the last Swiftness Potion wear off he suddenly felt very tired and worn out, JJay slumped forward and passed out, beaten by withdrawal. Vazeelvegen ran past him after a few minutes and won the race.

The Second Game
JJay woke up cold and sweaty the next morning, and thought to himself that he best challenge the demon to something he is actually good at. He announced to Vazeelvegen that the second game would be a game of darts while drinking the best brew Stormwind had to offer. As it turns out, demons can't hold their liquor quite as well as gnomish bingedrinkers, so Vazeelvegen passed out during the first round of darts, and JJay won by default.

The Third and Final Game
The third game was decided by Vazeelvegen, and he told JJay that they would depart for Eastern Azshara, to battle blood elves. Whoever could slaughter the most blood elves in a day, would win the third game.

JJay thought that here he would atleast have a fighting chance, and they departed, to arrive at the blood elf encampment the following morning, a few minutes before daybreak. Vazeelvegen and JJay decided to reconvene at nightfall, to settle the score - they were to bring proof in the form of a blood elf head for each kill.

JJay, confident that his newly learned immolate spell would come in very handy decided to pounce on the first blood elf he saw, which was a lonely patrolman stopping for a nap in a secluded clearing, the patrolman was checking if anyone would see him, and as he did that JJay jumped out from a bush, and said in demonic: "DEH-MAE-SIII-AAAH". An explosion followed and JJay knocked both himself and his prey unconsious.

Vazeelvegen, confident that he would win this bout was planning to attack a small encampment made out of 2 female blood elves and one male. The females were wearing dresses, so he assumed they where scryers, and the male had a shield and a broadsword, clearly a warrior, who he'd deal with first.

Vazeelvegen charged in, but much to his dismay the two female blood elves enslaved him in demonic whilst he was busy battling the warrior, who didn't even recieve a scratch.

Late that night, JJay awoke with a massive headache, and looked at the blood elf patrol, who was still unconcious. JJay decided to steal his half-burnt weapons and claim that they were all he'd left. He hurried back to where the Felwood Furious had made camp.

Vazeelvegen, center of much mockery from the blood elf magi was growing increasingly infuriated, and finally managed to escape the chains, compelled by the bet he had made, he however didn't have the time to take revenge on the elves, and he had to retreat the the encampment, where he found JJay proudly telling the story of his iL0L trap that succesfully incinerated the blood elf patrol he had lured in with his succubus.

Vazeelvegen knew he was lying, but he had undeniably come a lot closer to winning than Vazeelvegen had, so he admitted defeat, and gave JJay the instructions to the binding ritual that would forever bind Vazeelvegen to JJay's will.

As they were walking back to the furbolg encampment the spell by which Vazeelvegen had held the furbolgs slowly started vaning, and by the time they were all back, Swigs was wide awake, and being told the story of the two first games, and was anxious to hear what JJay had to say for himself, after losing them both their souls.

The Ritual and What Came to Pass
JJay had closely studied the list of ingredients that read (translated to common obviously):

"To bind a felguard to your will you will need a circle of FIVE, no more, no less Ritual Candles, place these at the tips of a pentagon, and inscribe the pentagon in a large circle, the edges of the circle touching all 5 pentagon tips. To draw the circle use the blood of the felguard you are about to enslave. Place a sacrifice in the midst of the circle, this has to be a close friend or companion (this, thought JJay, was a bit much, but what the hell? As Trigs had so often told him before, warlocks were supposed to be evil). Chant the following over the candles at midnight: (Most of the text in the chant JJay couldn't make out)".

When JJay looked in his backpack he saw that he only had 4 ritual candles, but to compensate he DID have one Holy Candle he'd bought a long time ago because he was trading with an orc, and his sign-language wasn't perfect. "Hm," Thought JJay "I guess it doesn't matter much, the two candles look and feel alike afterall". He put down the candles as desribed, and drew the circle with Vazeelvegen's blood. For the sacrifice he knocked Swigs unconcious and had Vazeelvegen place him in the middle of the circle. When the moon was at it's highest (more or less, gnomes aren't great at telling the time just by looking at the moon) JJay, who wasn't great at demonic figured he would just curse himself with a curse of tongues and try out some gnomish nursery rhymes or something, afterall he'd done everything else nearly right, so what does a few other words matter? Afterall it sounded pretty much all the same.

As JJay started chanting the nursery rhyme, (he was pleased to hear it come out in demonic) the ground started shuddering, Vazeelvegen instantly screamed at him, but unfortunately Vazeelvegen spoke in demonic, which JJay didn't understand, so he thought it all part of the ritual and continued. At the end of the chant Vazeelvegen screamed, then with a loud crack he disappeared and a necklace with a large furbolg tooth was left on the ground where he stood. Swigs started trembling as if his hole body had some sort of giant spasm, and awoke after about 10 minutes of this. JJay put on the necklace before Swigs woke up, and tried to explain the ritual circle with some sort of odd banishing ritual. When Swigs asked what he was doing in the middle covered in blood JJay started humming the gnomish national anthem and said loudly that he could use a bite to eat before bed. Swigs left it, thinking it best not to be too inquiring.

The Journey Home and the Wizard's Warning
The Felwood Furious accompanied JJay and Swigs all the way to the Archmage's Tower, grateful to have been relieved of their demonic slavemaster they said their goodbyes, and said that any member of the Order would be welcome to stay with them in Azshara for as long as they wanted.

Upon landing at the top of the Tower, Archmage Xylem thanked them for helping with the demon infestation, and prepared a portal for them, to go home. As he was channeling the spell, he said this to them, before the Arcane Winds swallowed them. "Thank you, and Lord Swigs, you should be weary of midnight battles from now on. Fizzlebang - you need to talk to Trigs about your new possesion when you ar---". And the roar of the winds was too loud to hear the rest, a few seconds later they were standing in the Order headquarters.

Azerothian Epilepsy and Vazeelvegen the Felguard
As they arrived at the headquarters JJay instantly set off to Trigs' room to ask him about his necklace, and what to do with it. Upon asking, Trigs asked to see the tooth, then quickly chanted some words over it, and had a grim expression on his face.

"I am afraid that something is wrong - the tooth is a prison that forever binds the Felguard to whomever bears the necklace, however something is... wrong with your Felguard - I can't quite put my finger on it." Trigs said.

"How do I summon it then? Can you teach me?" JJay asked hopefully.

Trigs handed JJay a dusty old tome and said: "Read." Twigs ushered JJay out of the room.

The first night upon returning home, as the clock struck midnight in the Order's headquarters, a terrible scream that went through the marrow of every person in the building emanated from Swigs' room. The paladin Zania who lived a few rooms down the hall from Swigs, had spent the evening studying, and rushed to the room, upon finding the door locked, she grabbed her Draenic maul and bashed through the door. Seeing that Swigs was having some sort of fit, she quickly consecrated the room, hoping to expell any demons, and called Awakes, hoping that he would be able to heal whatever malady had been placed on Swigs. Awakes, though, unfortunately incapacitated by Asleeps was not able to do any good. After a few minutes, Swigs stopped his fit, and woke up as if from a trance.

The paladins and priests spent the entire next day trying to figure out what had happened to Swigs that night, but there were no answers to be had. Rumors started circulating that Trigs and JJay had something to do with it, but they quickly dissapated and Awakes came up with a name for the malady: Azerothian Epilepsy.

It took JJay a fortnight of fortnights to figure out how to summon Vazeelvegen.

As it turned out, JJay had been misreading the basic instructions the entire time, having used Linen instead of Runecloth for the ritual, to save a few silvers.

Upon the night of the first summoning, the entire Headquarters of the Order shook to it's very foundations, and JJay's voice was heard through the headquarters:

"COME FORTH VA-VEA-WEE.... *short pause* VAZEELVEEGEN, AND SERVE"

A few moments later JJay's cry for joy was also heard, although not as loud as the summoning.

The members of the order rushed to the Warlock dungeon (a place they usually avoided, especially the paladins) to see Vazeelvegen walk out of the demon portal JJay had conjured - an expression on it's face that is inbetween complete confusion and utter malice.

"Now! Vazeelvegen, bow to my will! You shall forever serve! First order of business, OBLITERATE THEM *points to the members of the Order*".

Vazeelvegen turned to JJay; "Ob-b-b-b-lit..." - "lit..."

Vazeelvegen turned towards the rest of the Order, drool dropping onto the floor, burning a hole in the stone floor.

JJay now also turned towards the rest of the Order, looking uneasy.

Trigs realizing this was the moment to step in quickly motioned for the Order to leave the room, mouthing an apology and muttering something about JJay not really getting the concept of a warlocks wickedness.

As the members of the Order walked up the spiral staircase to the main hall, they heard Twigs bellowing downstairs:

"WHAT DID YOU DO WRONG?!"

The rest of the Order thought it best to not ask, and went onto their favourite pass-time, the board game Defense of the League of Ancient Legends.

A Wish to be BIG
A wish to be BIG is the epic story of how everything changed for JJay Fizzlebang, and yet, nothing changed, for as every other story about our favourite failed warlock, this story begins, quite simply, with a gnome.

A Pint a Day
JJay Fizzlebang was holed up The Slaughtered Lamb, whereto he had went, after Vindicator Zania and High Priestess Reah had locked down the headquarters to exorcise some of the demons that spawned from the portal created when JJay was trying to both have his cake, and eat it. JJay had won several rounds playing darts with a tall dark stranger with long curly hair, and just as he was about to make his move on her, she said good night, and vanished through the door. JJay flew up out of his char (flew is perhaps not the word, as gnomes by definition are quite small and don't really fly anywhere without a flying machine) and ran to the door. As he peeked out into the darkness, he saw the woman, hand in hand with what looked like a Night Elf. Damned night elves, so tall and handsome, and tall. No wonder they get all the women! JJay thought to himself, while he orderen another round, an idea struck his mind, as if hit by a club. Which was exactly what he was, hit by a club.

A Minor Concussion
When JJay awoke several hours later in a haze, he was lying in the alley outside of The Slaughtered Lamb, his head feeling several sizes too big, and still drunk as a skunk. He stumbled to his feet, not remembering how he got there, he decided he'd probably been tossed out due to his excessive drinking. As he entered the Lamb, he was approached by the bartender, who asked him if he was OK, and said he was terribly sorry there had been nothing he could about the large human men, who had mugged him and thrown him out on his arse, when they found out he was drinking on a tab. Sodding humans, so tall and big and muscular. No wonder they get all the glory and money!

Then he remembered the idea! An idea that would change the way people percieved him, and he quickly asked the bartender if he could borrow the studio underneath the inn for a quick summoning, nothing dangerous, and of course he could. If he promised to pay his bartab this week, he did, he was obviously lying, or bending the truth as he called it, but he was nonetheless given the key to the cellar door and went down into the darkness.

Daemonfinbar
JJay stumbled down into the darkness, as he came down the the pitch black darness, he quickly charged his (newly learned) immolation spell. There was light, however not exactly where he had planned it, for some reason it came from behind him, not thinking much of it, he started lighting the candles around the room including the lights in the demonic circle on the ground. After a minute or so, he suddenly felt a cozy warmth around his neck, then a heat, then a burning, JJay completely panicked, because apparently, he had lit his cloak on fire. Thankfully it was a slow-burning fabric Twigs had forced him to wear after his last fire incident. JJay sprinted around the room, yelling vividly in drunkard, a language rarely spoken around Stormwind by other than gnomes and dwarves. It sounded something like this:

"WAAH, MY FIAR COAK ISSON FIAR, HWELP (stumbles to the ground and runs on after a few seconds) PVEASE, ANEON? WASTER, I NEET WASTER."

All of a sudden a discrete purple light filled the room JJay couldn't run anymore, he kept on trying, but something was pulling at his cloak, after a few more seconds of trying to run, he tried a swiftness potion, didn't work.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING GNOME, WHY HAVE YOU SUMMONED ME TO THIS PLACE?" A deep, irish-sounding voice bellowed.

JJay, completely stomped by the sudden presence of a demon, said, "I-I didn't summon you, not yet at least".

"You most certainly did, the summoning ritual for me, Daemonfinbar, is to run around drunk on a demonic circle with your cloak on fire... yeah, the other demons got most of the good rituals."

"I do suppose it must be hard to keep coming up with new ones for that many demons" said JJay.

"It is, it really is, since you've summoned me here, is there something you wanted?"

"As a matter of fact there is, you see (JJay continued to tell the story of the Night Elf and the Humans from earlier), so. I guess my question is. Can you make me bigger than a Night Elf and a Human? Like a tauren, but not actually a tauren?"

"Hm. I can certainly try." said Daemonfinbar.

Everything went black.

A Rude Awakening
JJay woke up with the sun in his face. Then, suddenly a shadow fell upon his face.

"Are you OK friend?" a squeeking voice said.

"I suppose so." Said JJay, But it wasn't JJay's voice that came out, it was deeper, darker

IT MUST HAVE WORKED! JJay thought to himself, he opened his eyes and stared straight into a pair of blue eyes with green skin around them. Shocked, JJay realized it must be a goblin. A flew to his feet, (and this time he actually flew). MY he was BIG. JJay pondered this for a moment, tried to scratch his head in amazement, but something stuck his hands when he tried. The... He had horns! And Fur! And Hooves! And he was friends with a goblin! He gasped. Daemonfinbar had made him into a Gazelle!

Obviously this wasn't true. He was a tauren, it took him a few hours to realize though. JJay had obviously forgotten to account for one thing (well, several, but one major thing) Daemonfinbar is a massive fuckup. Why else would he be so difficult to summon?

The goblin who had awakened him was a young female goblin hunter called Buckanesha, who had just started her adventures in Azeroth, and after paying her 122 gold pieces for saving his life. Buckanesha directed him to the Clan-House of the Acid Clan, who just so happened to be recruiting fuckups and castaways for future suicide missions to the Dragon Soul.

As JJay tried to summon his dreadsteed to ride to Orgrimmar, nothing happened, well, he levitated a few yards off the ground, shrugging, JJay set out to start his new life as a member of the Horde.